What’s in a pause? What’s in a home that makes it well home ? Are your good memories really anymore than just chemical reactions coupled with neurotransmitters which fired at an optimal time when your mental state was good, circumstances in that situation either went as planned or unfolded ins unique way that you vibed with well. Maybe it’s a frequency thing and yours had been turned on tuned into to the megahertz and voila ! Lest I ponder more wasted words let me speak of a tragedy unfolding, I guess one would describe this as a major life event The kind that wrecks people, the kind that can be a catalyst for ugly violence or desperate actions not thought through..but me and mine I don’t know exactly what tomorrow brings will I still be with my wife whom I deeply adore and have always been head over heels about ? Idk, but at a certain point when the effort to improve towards you towards intimacy and affection remains absent .. at that point whenever that is it ceasss being me giving her the benefit of the doubt and having faith to being kind of unhealthy for me & that’s my signal that somethings gotta change. I mean Nevermind the banality with which my heart failure has at times been treated, or the quickness with which her decision to work most all the time and build resentment against me because I’m at the mercy of both OPM and SSA & am relying on savings while retirement processing is completed and have not had much income at all since March. But at the core after I gave time and looked inside underneath her actions I never found what I had unknowingly searched but knew I did I not find, but I think hardest is mourning something you believed to be true which was not . So with that I look to tomorrow anxious and excited and trying to retain a sense optimism because simply .. I must ..
J
SU
The Silent Underground 